Okay, this is my updatedJokes Page, containing a whole load of new, funnier jokes, plus some of the ones from my old page, which I think are classics. A slight warning, though, to the
faint-hearted as you may find some of them offensive, well, pretty much all of them really!
First, the old ones…
King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried about leaving his beautiful Queen Guinevere alone with all those lonely knights of the Round Table. So he went to his famous wizard, Merlin, for some advice.
After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said to come back in a week and he'd see if he could come up with something.
A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention.
It was a chastity belt... except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect milady, the Queen?"
"Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected." After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.
Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.
Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahadhis.
"Sir Galahadhis," exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"
But Sir Galahadhis was speechless.
A girl got in line to donate blood at the local blood bank. She got to talking to the man in line in front of her and asked how often he donated blood.
He corrected her, stating that he was there to donate sperm. "Really," she said, "how much do they pay for sperm donations?"
"$10.00 the man stated." The girl replied that she only made $5.00 each time she donated blood.
After the donations, each went their own way.
The following week, the same girl and guy got in line again. The man turned to the girl and asked, "Are you here to donate blood again?"
Girl, with cheeks puffed out, mumbled "Nooumm, Dunnnafdsf Spperkpfsdaf"
The Farmer's Daughters
There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered the late teens the girls dated and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said " Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next lad arrived and said " My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was ok too, so off the two kids went.
The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off "Hi, my name's Chuck... and the farmer shot him.
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues, " he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them. Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head."
Great Pick-Up Lines!
1. Just call me milk - I'll do your body good!
2. I want you almost as much as I want world peace.
3. You can forget about going to heaven because it's a sin tolook that good.
4. How do you like me so far?
5. Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I need to walk by again?
6. We both know that I am going to follow you home anyway, so why don't I just come along peacefully?
7. Do you know the difference between talking and sex? No? Then let's go up to my room and talk.
8. I didn't realise that angels flew so low.
9. Your father must have been a thief, because he stole all of the stars and put them in your eyes.
10.I envy your lipstick.
11.I just want to be loved - is that so wrong?
12.You remind me of an ice cold Pepsi - I've just gotta have one!
13.Do you believe in the hereafter? Good, then you know what I'm here after.
14.Your lips are like Lay's potato chips. You can't stop with just one.
15.If I had eleven roses and you, I'd have a dozen.
16.Hi, I'm new in town. Can I have directions to your place?
17.Didn't we bathe together as kids?
18. Baby you look so sweet you're giving me a cavity.
19.Is it me or am I gorgeous?
20.I'd even marry your dog just to be related to you.
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
Man is incomplete until he is married, Then he is really finished.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does is cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying for it."
Young son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in most countries, son.
Then there was a man who said "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.
When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks, and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
A man inserted an advert in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
A woman was telling her friend "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him" asked the friend. The woman replied: "A multi millionaire"
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can remember them.
What's easier to make: a snowman or a snow woman?
A snow woman is easier to make, 'cause with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and use all that extra snow to make its testicles.
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
What's the difference between government bonds and men?
What's the difference between a man and ET?
ET phoned home.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.
What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.
What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.
If they can put one man on the moon, why not all of them?!!!!
How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
An Insurance company.
Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any.
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So oxygen can get to their brains.
Why did God create man before women?
You always create a draft before the final masterpiece.
What is the thinnest book in the world?
What men know about women.
Why don't men have to use toilet paper?
Because God made them perfect arseholes.
How can you tell if a man is sexually aroused?
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls.
How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
One. A man will screw anything.
What do you call a man with an IQ of 50?
How do you tell if a man is happy?
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
No one knows because it never happens.
Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
Because they are stupid.
How are men and parking spaces alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.
What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
Lay them properly once and you can walk all over them forever.
If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit the ground first?
What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up.
What did God say after he created man?
I can do better than this.
What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A half-hour of begging.
Why don't men like to wear condoms?
Because it cuts off circulation to their brains!
What do you call a man who's lost 95% of his brain?
Why don't single women fart?
Because they don't get an asshole till they're married.
Isn't it a shame that God gave men both a brain and a penis, but not enough blood to run both at the same time!
What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO?
I don't know, I've never either.
What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
Went to the county fair. They had one of those "believe it or not
They had a man born with a penis and a brain.
What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
i) no mind ii) no business
Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions.
What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.
What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
How do you keep a man from raping you ?
Throw him the remote control.
What happens when a man opens his zipper ?
His brains fall out.
Why does it take one million sperm to fertilise one egg?
They won't stop to ask for directions.
What do electric toy trains and breasts have in common?
They're usually intended for the children, but its the husbands who end up playing with them.
What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
How can you tell when a mans had an orgasm?
You can hear him snoring.
Why are men and toilets alike?
Either they're occupied or full of SHIT.
How are men like noodles?
They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
Why do men like BMWs?
They can spell it.
Why are men and spray-paint alike?
One squeeze and they're all over you.
Why is food better than men are?
Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.
Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much?
They like being able to both eat and make love in less than 5 minutes.
Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?
At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 5000 miles, whichever came first.
What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
How do you grow your own dope?
Plant a man.
Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions.
What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.
What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
Why are men like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you.
Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.
Why do men like masturbation?
Its sex with someone they love.
How is a man like a used car?
Both are easy to get, cheap and unreliable.
What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
Why do men like smart women?
How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.
Now, the new ones…
A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
What do you do when a blond throws a pin at you?
Run like Hell.... she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.
Why do blondes work seven days a week?
So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
What did the blond do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
She turned it over and used the other side.
How do you confuse a blond?
You don't. They're born that way.
How do you keep a blond busy?
Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
They always forget the recipe.
How did the blond try to kill the bird?
She threw it off a cliff.
What does a blond say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.
What do you get when you offer a blond a penny for her thoughts?
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A wind tunnel.
What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
The back of her head.
When is it legal to shoot a blond in the head?
When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!
What's the difference between a blond and a Supermarket Trolley ?
A supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.
A blond ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
Someone asked if a blond believed in smoking.
She said, "Yes, I've seen it done."
Blond #1: "Have you ever read Shakespeare?"
Blond #2: "No, who wrote it?"
Blond: "Excuse me sir, what time is it?"
MAN: "It's 3:15."
Blond: (puzzled look on her face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."
A blond was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around and drove back home.
Joe was moderately successful in the career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches..."
"The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition that causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. However, as he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see .. . .size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job.", replied the salesman.
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see...34 sleeve and...16 and a half neck"
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job.", hereplied. Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9 and a half..wide."
Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?""It's my job.", was again the reply.
And a hat?" "Why not?" "Size 14..."
Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?" Again, "It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked,
"How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
Indians and Pakistanis
There was once an Indian and a Pakistani who lived next door to each other. The Indian owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Pakistani's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Pakistani pick up the egg. The Indian ran up to the Pakistani and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Pakistani disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Indian said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, who ever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Pakistani agreed to this and so the Indian found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Pakistani and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Pakistani fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the Pakistani stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."
The Indian said, "Keep the damn egg!
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order,
"What would you like, sir?"
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.
After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"
Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE'."
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
To get to the other side.
For the greater good
It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
It was a historical inevitability.
Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK;
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) , Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management
framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals in delivering and successfully architecting and implementing and enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
And God came down from the Heavens, and he said unto the chickens, "Thou shalt cross the road". And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON;
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
The point is that the chicken crosses the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book.
The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross the roads.
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.
Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
To die. In the rain.
I missed one?
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about nurse Nancy. "She's incredibly mixed up" said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards."
"Just last week i told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall "Oh my god!" said the first doctor, "I just realised I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr Smith's boil!"
One day, Pinocchio and his girlfriend were in bed doing what girls and wooden boys do. As they were cuddling later, Pinocchio could tell that something was bothering his girlfriend; being a sensitive guy, he asked her, "What's the matter, baby?" Pinocchio's girlfriend gave a big sigh, "You're probably the best lover I've ever had", she said, "but every time we make love you give me splinters." This remark bothered Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he went to seek some advice from his creator, Gepetto. Gepetto searched up and down for a solution. Eventually, he suggested that sandpaper might be able to "smooth out" Pinnochio's relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchio graciously thanked Gepetto and went on his way.
A couple of weeks later, Gepetto was in town to have some blades sharpened at the hardware store when he ran into Pinocchio--and noted that his little wooden friend was buying every package of sandpaper the store had in stock.
"So," Gepetto remarked, "Pinocchio, things must be going pretty damn good with the girls, eh?"
"Girls?" said Pinocchio, "Who needs girls?"
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